I’m tired of the bullshit; the pretend relationship, the twisting to make something real that is non-existent. So fuck you! Why do you hide! Why do you hide! Why do you…
Here I am, standing at attention, waiting for you, the magnificent One to appear. On tip-toes, weary, of waiting, weary of chasing phantoms, tired of making excuses for why you act or don’t act as you do.
You thought I had this all together; when I am in fact, one of the most lost among your children…am I even your child? For if I was your child, wouldn’t you bend down to lift me up?
You are fully aware, that all I long for is you, yet in spite my love flowing, you look past me, to the great beyond, that I can never reach. Your plan is beyond me…
Couldn’t we, You and I, chose to do this another way? Couldn’t you and I choose to become intimate lovers? If my being is made from the same substance as you, why can I not enter into you? Why can’t you intimately unveil yourself to me? That is what lovers do, so we must be something else.
What is it that we are to each other? Fuck you! Why must I guess. Why must I use my imagination to shape your form in my heart and mind.
I am sure there is a reason, why what has flowed out of you, made of the same substance as yourself, having been cast into the jungle, ignorant of everything about myself, ignorant of you… except for the beauty; for your creation rejoices, is filled with light, as the work of your mind and being.
I know, who am I? I should just stand back and shut up. I should just know my place, which is nowhere near you and your majesty…yet are you not the beggar I saw at the corner? Weren’t you suffering, intimately with the emptiness of his soul?
Why does it have to be the same and why do some of us fall for the bait of always seeking to find you?
Why can’t you and I be something completely different, why can’t we do this in a totally different and better way…and no it is not by standing at attention and waiting for you!
Genesis 32: 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
Where is my new name, I struggle with you daily. I wrestle with you. I try to grasp you with my mind. I try to grasp you with my soul. I try to woo you with my love…and all I fuckin get from you is emptyness.
At lease I am truthful in my slaughtered faith.
And out of the blue I hear a theologian saying there is only one gospel, on dispensation of you. My heart cries bullshit at that! You certainly are not conscribed by what some ignorant fool wrote about you 2,000 years ago. You are so beyond that but you deserved to be mischaracterized and misunderstood because you do remember that you are hiding from me?
Don’t you see how religion manipulates this emptiness, for fun and profit? They provide the cure for the deep, heartfelt frustration of what is expected of the Human, in their passing through this experience of Brahman.
What does love have to do with religious rites?
I’m in the Garden…I won’t run away and hide if you should happen to stop by…I have no fear of you in my nakedness.
Why did you stop coming to visit, if it was so imperative in the dawn of our being? Why do you consciously provide all of the tools and masks, for us to become totally lost in this Game. Why do you allow us, actually prefer us, to be absorbed by what surrounds our being as the Human.
Is fear really the proper attitude for two beings that are connected by love…some priest must have been beaten as a child, assuming that all father’s demand total respect and attention; but I want to believe in my heart that out of your love, you set me free.
So, I’ll shut up and let you speak through me.
“Are you done, yet?”
“Don’t you see how my presence would be a block to your freedom?
“I have created you so that you might travel a path of self-discovery, alone, so that you might be totally free in your becoming.”
“Don’t you understand that if I didn’t create you totally free, neither I nor you, could truly know ourselves in a way, that would lead to a return to Oneness within me.”
“I travel the path to freedom through the individuality of the experience of every Human that exist within me, and I in them; and your individuated being, find being by my slight of hand, that allows you to prance as your own God.”
Having a relationship to You is like eating Chinese food; you’re hungry as soon as you finish eating. I want to be satiated by your presence and to rest in your authentic being. Not some fucked up story that I or others have dreamed up in my head!
At least I’m fucking honest… but where does it all leave me?
“I love you best of all!”
“Most people are passive and lack the courage to wrestle with me. I love the Human that struggles within my loving heart. The ones among you that are willing to throw it all away, in order to find me. I love when I hear the shattering or commonly held paradigms, because I can only be found in the clarity of emptiness. The ones that travel to the place within themselves where my glory is revealed in its fullness. I know you’re still not satisfied, but my beloved child, know that your dissatisfaction, want and longing are your path to my heart.”
Where does this leave us?
“In love with each other!”
1 Kings: 19 Now Ahab told Jezebel everything Elijah had done and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. 2 So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, “May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them.”
3 Elijah was afraid[a] and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, 4 while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” 5 Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.
All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” 6 He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.
7 The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” 8 So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. 9 There he went into a cave and spent the night.
The Lord Appears to Elijah
And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
10 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”
11 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
14 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”
15 The Lord said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. 16 Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. 17 Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. 18 Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.”
The Call of Elisha
19 So Elijah went from there and found Elisha son of Shaphat. He was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen, and he himself was driving the twelfth pair. Elijah went up to him and threw his cloak around him. 20 Elisha then left his oxen and ran after Elijah. “Let me kiss my father and mother goodbye,” he said, “and then I will come with you.”
“Go back,” Elijah replied. “What have I done to you?”
21 So Elisha left him and went back. He took his yoke of oxen and slaughtered them. He burned the plowing equipment to cook the meat and gave it to the people, and they ate. Then he set out to follow Elijah and became his servant.