“God has to work in the soul in secret and in darkness because if we fully knew what was happening, and what Mystery, transformation, God and Grace will eventually ask of us, we would either try to take charge or stop the whole process.”
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he’s traveling on, then he must close his eyes and travel in the dark.”
St John of the Cross.
More pithy, obtuse sayings that hide God and that obscure the utter void of the Human heart when it comes to the One Thing that apparently loves us beyond understanding…or is that just a beautiful lie to get us to return to the light and then what?
Fuck You! I dare you to show up! I dare you to punish me for asking questions! I dare you to do anything! Hello, earth to God.
And I feel secure in calling you down and calling you out, because I know you are quivering in isolation in some forsaken place, hiding. And even if you are not, even if you inhabit my being as my consciousness, even if you descend within me as my spiritual mother, you are still hiding within our transcendent being. You still remain obscured and veiled. Why?
Then there is the more fundamental and disquieting question; How can the Human trust as God who is not fully open and transparent to us?
Why is your deception and stealth to my benefit in the development of my soul? What benefit is it for a soul, a part of your very being, to be cast into the desert of material form, where NO GOD DWELLS! At least no God dwells here, who is ready to show themselves!
So why would I, a Human, create a religion to venerate you, since I have no proof that you either exist or love me.
And fuck faith! That is a delusion by people who cannot defend their position with facts or true experience.
Its beautiful, I must admit, this place of our becoming. It’s all gorgeous…yet its also terrifying and evil! Why? I would defend you by the raising the beauty of your creation, that must reflect you; but is not the evil you too? And if it is, why not choose to become a demon? The perks seem better, in this life at least, and who the fuck knows what exists in the next?
And sorry for this screed being all about me, but, what of my individuated being, that I now possess in my human form. Do I carry it with me, or do I descend within the oblivion of a return to your own being?
So on this day, I have decided to enter the void, the place within me that creates you as non-being and non-existence. I’m done with you!
As I see it, there are no rules for creating our own spiritual reality. All of religion has flowed from the minds of the Human, and as I am inspired by the Holy Spirit, as were you, I can see that you were as blind as me, just too afraid to admit it, so you created a myth that makes yourself feel better about the unknowable. Well, if you can create a myth about God, so can I. And he won’t be some fucked up God-dude like Yahweh the Terrible.
Sorry, I need to get this out, this catharsis of the decades of belief and unbelief; I have absolutely no verifiable proof that you exist. None, zilch. Happy feelings from my subconscious prove nothing, and you know it.
I am not hiding from you, I am not Adam or Eve in the Garden. I have struggled and submitted, uttered creeds, studies scriptures and codes, and taken spiritual journeys, yet you do not appear in the morning mist to me. Oh that you would, and their would be rejoicing within my heart in the morning light. But you hide instead.
Tiger Mountain Peasant Song
Wanderers this morning came by
Where did they go
Graceful in the morning light
To banner fair
To follow you softly
In the cold mountain air
Through the forest
Down to your grave
Where the birds wait
And the tall grasses wave
They do not
Know you anymore
More, more, more
Dear shadow alive and well
How can the body die
You tell me everything
Anything true
In the town one morning I went
Staggering through premonitions of my death
I don’t see anybody that dear to me
Dear shadow alive and well
How can the body die
You tell me everything
Anything true
Jesse
I don’t know what I have done
I’m turning myself to a demon
I don’t know what I have done
I’m turning myself to a demon
I cast it all down,
I throw it all away,
I’m tired of debating,
my own mind,
while my heart silently weeps
while you hide.
Fuck this All!
Am I becoming a Demon?
So I just watched a presentation of a the information contained on a Sumerian clay tablet, and it shook me. Why? It opened myself to an inner-clarity of an existential crisis. So basically, what the tablet reveals (which is all human speculation), is what happens to our souls after death. This is a source on the after-life that is thousands of years old. Here is a summary: According to it, before we enter into material existence, we sign a contract with “God” and his representatives in which we agree to be reincarnated over and over again. When we die we see the “bright light” of near death experiencers, and in a split second, we have to either agree to return “home” into the light, which leads to reincarnation, or we have the right to void the contract. So what happens to those of us who say fuck you to the system matrix and refuse to return? According to the tablet we are forced to remain in a place , very similar to the Catholic concept of Purgatory. Our souls are forced to wander aimlessly in this place with other souls who have refused to follow the rules and agree to return. After this place becomes full, then God’s handlers are forced to do something with all of these rebellious souls, and it isn’t exactly clear what that is to be.
So I know, I know, why am I even paying attention a a thousands of years old clay tablet? You have “Holy Scriptures” to consult; more thousand year old dictates and details written by men, just like me. I fall back to my old friend Pontius Pilate, who famously asked Jesus, “What is the Truth?” How can we ever know?
God wherever you are, whatever you consist of and whatever your plan, here I am. Do you truly care about me?